Google makes me sound like a fool

"For lo the winter has passed. The rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth..."

And the time of sneezing has come?

Well, as the seasons change, and the rainy, unbearably hot winter gives way to comfortable, dry summer, there comes a time when our bodies adjust to the change.

Things will be a bit cooler and a bit less humid. This also means there will be fewer blog posts complaining about the weather.

I'm no medical expert, but it seems that any time there is a season change, my body decides it's a good time for a sinus drainage. I like to think it's my system's way of acclimating to the new conditions.

Well, the issue is that I tried to explain this to some of my friends in town. But they had trouble grasping the idea.

First off, there is really only one type of sickness anybody can suffer from here - gripe (flu). Any time anything is abnormal they decide to pin it in on gripe. Gripe involves sneezing, sniffling, coughing, stomach issues, fever, or any common symptom for that matter. It doesn't matter what combination of symptoms you are showing, you get diagnosed with the same thing - gripe.

The causes of gripe deserve (and will get) their own blog post. Just keep in mind that pretty much any situation can cause gripe.

So when I tried to explain my condition this week - mucus drainage, mild headaches, sneezing attacks, general blah feeling - they told me it was a classic case of gripe.

I said that it wasn't.

I explained that every seasonal change my sinuses drained and that they will bother me for a few days before I'm fully adjusted. The issue is that they don't know what I'm referring to when I explain that my sinuses are bothering me. They have never heard of them before. They prefer to call it "inside forehead."

I don't believe that is an acceptable medical term, so I decided to look it up. Here is what Google told me the Spanish word for sinus is.

Seno.



So I explained this to some of my coworkers. But instead of taking me seriously, they were laughing a little bit. Why?

Well, apparently, seno can mean more than just sinus.



Breast.

No wonder my coworkers were laughing. I told them my breasts were draining because the temperature changed.

Where did he get that sign?

So I was walking through town today when the price board at one of the local butcher shops caught my eye.

Now, I don´t really look at how much a piece of beef will cost me very often, but it was something about the board that drew my attention.

It was the fact that this butcher had yoinked this white board from a nearby school and put it out front of his shop.



How do I know this?

The governor put his name on all the blackboard his government has given to the schools. And this one has his name on it.

I first noticed this a few weeks ago, and the board is still up. I don´t see it going anywhere anytime soon.

Condor 1, Santa Rosa 1

In its first three games this season, Condor was lucky in one and disappointed in the other two.

But by their standards, that's pretty good. And the Condor faithful took notice.

About eight hundred fans come out to the stadium to watch the team take on Santa Rosa yesterday afternoon. It is great to see the community embrace a team that has underachieved for so many years. (If you recall, last year's team was the most successful in recent memory, and I didn't see them score a goal in the three games I attended.)

Despite allowing final-minute goals in consecutive weeks, a win against Santa Rosa would have put Condor at the top of the division and in prime position to advance to the next round.

And for 88 minutes, it looked like Condor would do just that. But once again, a late-game defensive letdown cost Condor the victory.

Once again, Condor had to swallow a bitter tie in a game that it should have won.

Let's put aside all of the blown opportunities to take a 2-0 lead and put Santa Rosa out of the game. (Because if I think about those, it just gets more frustrating) But just recall that if Condor had anything resembling a half-capable striker, it would be winning each of its games by at least three or four goals. But they don't. They didn't even score their lone goal yesterday. Santa Rosa kicked the ball into their own net.

So let's think about what they do have - moderately adequate defense. They have not allowed a single goal in the first 88 minutes of any game this year, which means that they have to be doing something right.

But last-minute, game-tying goals for three straight weeks.

Why does the team repeatedly collapse in the final moments, costing valuable points in the overall standings?

Now, I don't really know who to blame. I'm pretty sure there's enough to go around. Also, I probably don't know enough about soccer to assign blame. But I have seen enough late-game breakdowns to rant for a few lines.

The players probably get tired toward the end of matches and might lose focus. Ninety minutes is a long time to stay mentally sharp on defense. But in soccer, you have to stay sharp for more than 90 minutes if you want to win. Because all it takes is one breakdown in the 95th minute to squander 94 minutes of well-played soccer. Condor showed that two weeks ago in Puerto Bolivar.

The coach could have called for a specific strategy that was the right one at the time, but the players just didn't execute it properly. The players might have been told to continue attacking, knowing that 1-0 is not a comfortable lead. But maybe the players started to feel comfortable and thought they could coast.

But after three weeks of the same story, I'm starting to look at coach Roberto Salazar. He needs to get the point across to his players. If its a technical breakdown, that needs to be corrected. If it's a focus issue, he should get his team focused for the full 90 minutes of play.

Salazar needs to shore things up if Condor wants to advance to the next round of the tournament. Condor currently sits in second place in the overall standings (six points). Santa Rose leads (eight points) and next week's opponent, Fuerza Amarilla, is in third (four points). The top two teams advance, and there are two more weeks of matches.

A win against Fuerza Amarilla would nearly guarantee Condor's classification for the next round. But a home loss would definitely put that in question.

After writing those last few paragraphs, I thought that I might have turned into your standard, illogical soccer fan, who blames every problem on the coach and then says that said coach is worthless and should be fired. I feel that my analysis was logical enough, and fair enough to Prof. Salazar (all soccer coaches are referred to as professor here).

Nuggets:

• I was really the Condor's fans showing up this week. But I was a bit disappointed in the instruments they brought to cheer on the local squad.

Santa Rosa travelled with what appeared to be a full percussion section, plus some guy with a horn that made all sorts of noises.

Condor didn't have anything. We need cowbell.

• The local radio station broadcasts every soccer game. But they don't have any fancy transmitting equipment at the stadium. Instead, the announcers just talk into the radio station owner's cell phone, which is connected to the microphone at the radio studio.

• The AREvista soccer reporter has helped out with the radio broadcast the last few weeks as the official time keeper and score board reporter. It's pretty cool for him.

Connected

I'm sitting in my living room, writing this blog post, and I feel connected to the world for the first time in a year.

Is it because I'm connected to the Internet? No.

It's because I'm also listening to the Don Telmo y Segundo Morning Show on 107.1 Radio Voz de Arenillas, the local radio station, on my newly purchased radio.



I bought it in Huaqillas yesterday for seven dollars, including batteries. A good purchase, I believe, because it lets me listen to Telmo and Segundo mornings, Jennifer Lopez mid-mornings, Juventud Extrema afternoons, the youth radio show Sunday mornings, every Condor game, and much more.

I have listened quite a bit over the last year, mostly because my neighbors started blasting to the morning show as soon as it started at 6:00 A.M. but now I can control my listening schedule and understand what they are saying (because I don't have to listen through the wall).

So far this morning, the host, Telmo, has congratulated his daughter on her birthday over 20 times. Then, a local restaurant called in and offered a free dinner to Don Telmo and his family. He has announced the official time over 35 times in the 22 minutes I've listened this morning, and one of the morning show guys had to duck out for some undisclosed reason.

It's a bit of a slow news day, I guess.

Now, he is talking about how the national sports ministry has built 48 soccer fields in the neighboring county over the last year and that one of the rural townships in Arenillas is petitioning the government to construct a stadium for them.

How have I lived without this?

Nothing inspires like Indiana

I was sitting on my hammock the other night, reading my book when there was a knock at the door.

I answer the door and see one of our newspaper kids standing there with her younger brother. We go over a few newspaper items first, but I can tell something is eating at them. They have something to ask and are just waiting for the right moment.

Then it arrived.

Kids: Ian, have you ever been to Indiana before?
Ian: Yes
Kids eyes get really big, and the jaws dropped. (I've never seen a jaw drop quite like this.) They stood there for a moment in awe.
Ian: Why?
Kids: One of the Mormons is from there and talks about how great it is.

Now, I have spent a bit of time in Indiana. Nothing that I have seen in my time in the Crossroads could evoke an awe-inspiring description of the place.

This really makes me wonder what he could have said to generate that type of enthusiasm for something you have to pass through on the way to Chicago. So I decided to make a list of mildly interesting facts about Indiana.

Let me know if you find these mildly interesting, so that I can get a clue as to why these kids were so interested in Indiana.

• Fort Wayne hosts the Johnny Appleseed festival every September at Johnny Appleseed Park.
• Apparently, the most successful goldfish farm in history was in Martinsville.
• Ambrose Burnside, the inspiration behind this, was born in Liberty, Indiana.
• Indiana is also known as "Mother of Vice Presidents" because five vice presidents hail from there.
• I guess the fact that the Jacksons are from Gary doesn't hurt the state's legacy down here. If only the people knew what Gary was like.
• Orville Redenbacher is from Indiana and studied at Purdue.
• There is a plant there called the bearberry.
• Lewis and Clark set out from there on their journey westward.
• One of the world's best violinists, Joshua Bell, was born there.
• Parks County is considered the covered bridge capital of the world with 32 covered bridges.
• Former president Benjamin Harrison is known as the only president from Indiana, but he didn't live there until he was 21.
• James Dean, Vivica A. Fox and the Ultimate Warrior are from Indiana
• Indiana is one of the thirteen states that is divided into more than one time zone.
• Socialist Eugene V. Debs is from Terre Haute
• Cole Porter and Axl Rose are from Indiana. Most likely the first time they were ever mentioned in the same sentence.

Please take my five dollars

My electrical bill last month came out to $4.80.

The amount is minimal, but the hassle to get that paid off is great.

You see, the electric company doesn't have its own office where you can pay your bill. There is no online bill pay, either.

You need to go to your local bank branch.

Keep in mind that you aren't the only person who has to do this. Everybody in town has to. And since everybody gets their bill around the same time and only has one week to pay before incurring penalties, there is quite a line at the bank.

I don't even have to get into how slow the bank line can move because some people actually go to the bank for real bank business that takes time. It's best to clear out half a day, just in case the line moves slower than normal.

There is another option, though.

One of the pharmacies in town also functions as an ATM for the bank. Their sign says that you can pay the electric bill there, but their machine is about as reliable as — well anything else in this society.

Well, the last day to pay deadline was quickly approaching, and my bill remained unpaid. I have been so busy with work that I haven't been able to clear my schedule, so I popped into the pharmacy today on the chance that I could get that monkey off my back.

Ian: I'd like to pay my electric bill. Can I do that here?
Pharmacist: No.
Ian: OK. But why is there a pile of 300 electric bill receipts on the counter?
Pharmacist: People have paid their electric bill.
Ian: I'd like to do the same.
Pharmacist: I guess you could pay here. You know you can also pay at the bank?

Pirate on the bus?

I heard a chirping on the bus back from Machala today.

That's pretty standard because people will frequently take their little chickens on the bus. So I didn't think much of it.

Then I looked up from my book and saw that a guy standing in the aisle had a parakeet perched on his shoulder. He was just chillin' there.

A few minutes later, the happy little parakeet left a happy little doo doo on the dude's shirt. The turd started at the guys shoulder line and, thanks to gravity, slowly dripped its was down the guys back.

I didn't take a picture of this fake pirate because the bus isn't the safest place, and real pirates frequent the bus and plunder for electronics.

(The guy on the bus did not have any pegged or hooked extremities.)

LIfe in a plastic bag

The plastic bag is more than a container made of flexible material with an opening on top that can be used to carry things.

It is a way of life.

The plastic bag is everywhere in Ecuadorian society.

At the market, paper or plastic isn't an option.

You just choose what size plastic bag you want to carry home.

But plastic bag usage goes well beyond the realm of groceries. It seeps into aspects of society you would never consider.

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Imagine it's a scorching hot afternoon, like yesterday. You are hoofing through town, sweating bullets as you track down kids in your newspaper group.

You are dying for some cold water, so you go to the corner store and ask for some cold water.

The owner reaches into his fridge and pulls out a bag. Drinking water comes in bags down here. You can find it in small bags of one liter, which are for personal consumption, or the larger four-liter variety, perfect for groups.

The proper technique for opening a bag of water is biting a hole in the corner of the bag and sipping the water out of the opening - using the power of suction. For the four-liter bag, one should use scissors to create an opening near the top of the bag and rely on gravity to pour the water into waiting cups.

Small bags of water cost ten cents, while the larger ones will run you forty. The small bags of water actually come in a larger bag of bags of water. (They say he carved it out of an even bigger spoon)

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Now, let's say you are thirsty for some juice. So you go to your juice stand.

As the juicer is juicing the fruit to make juice, you realize you don't have enough time to sit and enjoy your juice in the glass cups the juice stand offers. (Five times in that last sentence) You are in a rush.

So you ask for it to go. As soon as it is out of the blender, the employee pours your beverage in a waiting plastic bag with straw sticking out of it.

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Maybe you want to treat yourself to an ice cream. Who needs the stick? Why not just squeeze it out of a bag.

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I know that in the States, you have ketchup packets. But here, it's not just the personal sizes that come in a squeezable container. You can find large quantities of the most common condiments in a bags. Sorry, I don't have a picture to go with this example.

Just take my word for it. (Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.)

Condor 1, Fuerza Amarilla 1

In the first minutes of last night's game against Machala's Fuerza Amarilla, Condor had a golden opportunity for a goal when a striker broke free and was all alone against the goalie.

He missed, badly. The radio announcer said that Condor's forwards continued their erratic play.

He was wrong.

They haven't been erratic in any way. Condor's forwards have been consistent through two games this season.

In the club's opening two matches, the forwards have had at least ten breakaway, one-on-the-goalie chances and have not converted one of those.

Their inability to find the net continued in last night's 1-1 tie in Puerto Bolivar - a game that Condor should have won by a comfortable margin. Instead, a 95th-minute, game-tying goal set the tone for a glum bus ride back to Arenillas.

Condor had a few great opportunities in the first half but couldn't convert. In the 20th minute of the second half, it should have gotten easier for them when Fuerza Amarilla's goalie drew a red card (and automatic ejection) for tripping a Condor player in the 18-yard box.

Fuerza Amarilla only had one goalie in uniform and were forced to move a midfielder between the pipes. He allowed a goal on the ensuing penalty kick (nearly saved it, though) but was lights out for the rest of the game. He stoned a Condor striker on back-to-back chances from point-blank range.

Condor created more good chances on net but couldn't finish. At one point they caught the opposing goalie so far out of position and had such a wide open net and so much time to score that every one in the stadium assumed he was going to score.

He didn't. The Arenillas radio announcer said "It was more difficult to miss the net than to score a goal, but he managed to do just that."

Condor has scored two goals through two games now and didn't earn either of them, while blowing several great chances.

In soccer, the general logic is that in a game between two evenly matched teams, the road team would be content to salvage a tie. The idea being that if they can get a tie on the road, they should be able to win at home.

But you can't apply it to last night's game, especially with a game at division-leading Santa Rosa next weekend (Santa Rosa won at Santos FC yesterday afternoon).

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Nuggets

• Last night's game was played in Puerto Bolivar, which is part of Machala. It is the the principle banana-exporting port. Other than that, Puerto Bolivar has a reputation for good seafood and not being a place to walk around after dark.

• I went with the sports writer for AREvista. He had a great time and was the official timekeeper on the radio broadcast. The radio guy liked working with him so much that he wants to include our writer in regular coverage for the team.

• We got to the stadium, and the team management realized that it didn't bring the medical kit (A perfect no pasa nada situation). But in soccer, the spray on stuff that the trainer puts on an uninjured player while he is rolling around the field, whining about an injury he didn't sustain is the most important piece of equipment. They also bought some athletic tape.

• The Condor-Fuerza Amarilla match was part of a doubleheader at the stadium. The second match featured the hometown Bolivar against Machala-based Audaz Octubrino. The fans for these two teams slowly filtered into the stadium throughout the second half.

Putting it lightly, these teams had much better fans than Fuerza Amarilla. The Puerto Bolivar fans had foam hats made, giant signs tied the fence, and a big base drum. It looked like Audaz Octubrino brought a full percussion section and a few trumpets. This made it seem quite rowdy toward the end of the game, even though these fans had no rooting interest in the earlier game. (Obviously I would have taken a picture of the bands and hats and signs, but I already told you about Puerto's reputation. Camera stayed at home.)

If one were to measure the quality of a team by the quality of its fans, which I think is a pretty good measurement, I wouldn't want to face Audaz Octubrino or Bolivar.

• I think the majority of percussion instruments in Latin America are almost exclusively used at soccer stadiums.

• I think I heard the Fuerza Amarilla fans once. And to be honest, they were quite lame. Their only cheer was a rah-rah-rah Fuerza Amarilla. Lame.

• Condor's defense has played relatively well in the first two games. Aside from a last-second goal on a missed assignment in the 95th minute last night, they hadn't allowed a goal. The goalie has played very well, and I can't remember the opposition having any one-on-the-goalie chances that have been so readily wasted by Condor.

• Last week, Condor had to play in hand-me-down uniforms. This week, they finally had new kits to wear. On the bus on the way to the stadium, the players opened the bag of uniforms and had a bit of a fashion show on the way to the stadium.

Then when we got to the stadium, the team's management wanted to take a picture of the team in their new gear. But he realized that he forgot the camera and asked me if I brought mine.

I said I didn't, and he asked why.

"We're in Puerto."

"Cierto."

AREvista (fourth edition)

So the kids have published the fourth edition of the community newsletter. You can find it by clicking on the image of the cover or right here.




In the exporting process, the end of some of the stories might have been cut. If you have any ideas for how we could improve the newspaper, please leave them in the comments section.

Condor 1, Santos FC 0

I ran into the local soccer coach on the street last week, and he started complaining to me about how little support he gets from the club's leadership.

I thought this was a little weird, since I'm not used to coaches throwing their bosses under the bus without them being tossed out of said bus very shortly after. Then I heard him making the same comments on the local radio station and thought "man, I wish I covered someone this candid when I was working at the Daily."

He had scheduled many scrimmages to get his team ready for the six-game championship. Apparently, the buses never showed up twice and two other games were canceled one day before they were supposed to be played. They ended up having two tune-ups, and even I could tell that that wasn't nearly enough.

They were also supposed to get new jerseys this year. But they weren't ready in time, so they had to wear last year's.

So, out of form and wearing hand-me-downs, they took whatever they could get.

And about eight minutes into the game, they were handed a gift from Santos on a miscommunication between the goalie and the defender that left a wide-open chance that even I probably couldn't mess up. Miller Castro scored for Arenillas (Should one be wary of people with two last names?)

Despite having the early lead, it was clear that Condor could use some more practice time. The opposition dominated the first 35 minutes of the game, controlling the ball and having many quality scoring opportunities. Luckily for Condor, Santos couldn't finish anything.

In the second half, Condor started to gets itself together, so much so that the radio announcer said Condor "looked like a strong team." Despite losing both of its starting forwards (one to penalties and the other to injury), Condor was able to maintain pressure for the entire second half. But as is the case with second-string players in the lowest level of Ecuadorian football on a team that can't afford to pay for buses to exhibition games, they aren't very good at putting the ball in the net. And despite at least five breakaways, Condor couldn't put the biscuit in the basket.

It might not have been pretty, but when six games define your season, you'll take a win any way you can get it.

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Nuggets

• At one point in the game, a player was frustrated at a no-call by the official. In anger, he picked up the ball and spiked it into the ground instead of passing it to the goalie for the goal kick.

Nothing happened to this player. A gesture that would be grounds for ejection or at least a penalty in any sport in the States went unnoticed.

• Santos doesn't have a home field to play on in El Guabo. Instead, they have to play their home games in Pasaje, half an hour away, because of an argument between the club president and the local soccer federation about field maintenance. The club issue showed no restraint bashing the soccer federation during a halftime interview.

• When a player actually gets injured and carried off the field, all of the kids in the stands flock to that part of the fence to gawk at the wounds.

It is very common in soccer for players to fake injuries. So they are typically carried off the field, lay there for a few seconds and then get up and continue playing as if nothing happened. But when they continue to lie down for more than ten seconds, then they might actually be hurt.

The kids knew this and waited a few seconds to see if he would get up. He didn't, at least not right away. And then the children swarmed.

• The radio announcer used a phrase "Hopefully the dessert doesn't weight him down too much." I haven't had the chance to ask to clarify this phrase, but I imagine it has something to do with the player being out of shape.

Espero que el postre no pese mucho.

• One of the radio guys was walking to do his postgame interview with the coach when he realized that his recorder battery was nearly dead. He took the battery out and asked a little kid who was following him around to get a big rock. He proceeded to pound the battery with the rock and put the batteries back in the recorder.

This can't be good for the environment, can it?

This can't be an acceptable way to extend battery life, can it?

• There is a notion around here that if you drink cold water when you are really hot that you will develop a sore throat or flu. So instead of swallowing the water, the soccer players just put some in their mouth and spit it back out.

• Journalistic neutrality doesn't exist here. In fact, I think the correspondent for one of the big papars in the area (not AREvista) was the most riled up of any of the fans in attendance. In reaction to one missed call (in his opinion), he stood up from his seat on the top row of the bleachers, stormed down the steps to the gate, and started shaking the fence while insulting the ref.

• Estoperoles - spikes or cleats